So, just how did I get to be this way? Well, being brought up with two elder sisters and very close to my mother, there was always a lot of female influence around me. I honestly do think however it is at least partially genetic.
From the earliest age I can actually recall trying on my mother and sister’s clothes. At this stage it was their skirts and dresses, which I found I enjoyed. As I grew, I progressed into stealing and wearing their underwear. Of course, as I reached puberty there was a sexual aspect to this, and I would often masturbate while wearing panties.
There was also a comfort aspect to it as well however. I well recall one of my sister’s owning a particularly sexy black see-through satin negligee. Whenever possible I would steal that from her washing, and masturbate in that and a pair of panties. There were many times however I slept in it, making sure to have it off me and back in the washing basket in the morning. I simply loved the feeling of it and how feminine it made me feel.
Like most people I became a victim of society as I grew and developed hangups about my sexuality. I particularly worried about being gay or bisexual. It is not that I am personally homophobic but I live in a particularly homophobic culture, which obviously influenced my thinking.
Around the age of 9, I found a stash of soft porn mags belonging to my father which were my constant companions through many hot summer nights of my puberty and teens. There was something about the models I found particularly erotic but never made the connection. As I grew I went on to amass quite a considerable collection of my own porn. It was from this I grew to find women in lingerie actually much more erotic than naked, and also discovered my love of see accidental upskirt flashes of panties.
In one of those magazines I read an article about lingerie (yes, I did actually read the articles as well) and what I read struck me right between the eyes. It was actually a bisexual woman writing about her love of lingerie and how often she would look at magazines and lust not over the women but rather what they were wearing. I was struck dumb. It was then I realised that I was doing exactly the same thing. This is what had turned me on. Not so much the women but rather the garments they wore. My mind was cast back to another memory. My father used to run a mail order catalogue and I would often look at the women’s underwear section, leading me to actually masturbate to these images in my early puberty. I would also look at the fashions in my mother’s womens magazines and would picture myself wearing them.
Don’t get me wrong. I did find many of the women in the porn mags highly erotic and did masturbate to climax over the images of them. Many other times however I would look at what they were wearing and would imagine myself wearing the same garments. Masturbating to some of these fantasies always brought me to a powerful climax.
It was also through reading some of these magazines that I discovered that crossdressing is much more common than many would think, that the vast majority of crossdressers – contrary to popular belief – are neither gay nor bisexual, and that the Beaumont Society exists to help crossdressers. Still the prejudices of society stepped in and I kept my desire to crossdress to private fantasies and even inhibited it to a great deal. I have had a few girlfriends in my time and unbeknownst to them, I would masturbate in their underwear and even try on some of their clothes while they were out. I did at times think of coming clean about this and my desire to “do the town” on a girls night out but always lacked the courage.
It is only more recently I have become better educated and started to come to terms with my sexuality. This has been helped in the greater part by my girlfriend who is not only highly supportive of my needs but actively encourages them. It started with her giving me a pair of her panties and me wearing them openly for her. From there, in little over a year, Alexandra Durward has been born. My girlfriend fully supports me in being Xandra. As my girl is Bi, it is a huge turn on for her and it also means, to the best of my ability, she gets a boyfriend and a girlfriend all wrapped up in one. Not that I am always Xandra. My girl would be the first to tell you that I can be all man for her when she needs me to be.
I shall always be eternally grateful to my girlfriend, who has helped me realise that Xandra is part of me which should not, can not and must not be denied. I am happy to say I have now started making my own purchases, my first being a delightful pair of pink, lacy panties which I adore, and have started looking at make-up. I am no longer inhibited about my needs, which they are. I now look forward to being this fabulous and sexy woman named Xandra. Not only am I not ashamed of that, I am proud of it and fully intend to embrace my female self.