When I look at my life, my sexuality and my gender identity, then I look at others in the same boat as me, I frankly cannot believe how lucky I am.
I am a crossdresser, who has the luck to have a girlfriend who knows all about who I am. More than that however, she understands me and she not only accepts me for who I am but openly encourages me to be so.
I know that a great many crossdressers and those in the trans community are not so lucky.
I have read of tales that would touch the stoniest heart. I have seen stories from crossdressers and trans women with female partners who have become complete bitches to them. I have read women lashing out at them, the entire LGBT community and even all men. I have seen people humiliated by having private photos plastered all over public forums on the internet. I have even heard of women seeking, and receiving, exclusion orders to keep their partners away from their own children.
At the other end of the spectrum, I have also seen strained relationships, due to the wants and needs of not just the CD/Trans woman, but of both partners. And I have also seen relationships which are over, but neither party is willing to let go.
Before I met S, I was never lucky in love, and once had my heart truly broken. For those who have been there, you will know that ‘heartbreak’ is more than just a phrase; it is unbearable, torturous, genuine physical pain, and deeply psychologically scarring to boot. Although a life experience, it is not something I could survive again, and neither is it anything I would honestly ever wish on even my worst enemy – and I can be pretty damned cruel if crossed.
It did teach me one important lesson though; that love, true love, is never selfish.
If you love someone, you must take everything that goes with that, the good and the bad; the things you love about them, and those things which irritate the hell out of you. I know I am not the easiest person in the world to get along with. I’m fond of saying my girl has two arseholes – I’m one of them. And there are things S does which drive me up the wall at times. I forgive all. Why? Because I love her, and that love outweighs all.
When I first came out to S, she told me that even if I were to go over to “the other side” – i.e. suddenly announce that I were wholly gay, and wished to pursue that, she would accept that, and painful as it may be, she would let me go. By equal measure, I have told her from the start that if she ever wanted to go, even though it may kill me, I would never stand in her way.
That is because we love each other.
When you love each other, you have to be prepared to let go if you must. I would never attempt to stand in the way of S’s happiness, and I know that neither would she stand in the way of mine. For the other to be happy is the goal of our love, just as it should be the goal of anyone who loves another.
To be spiteful and vindictive about a partner whose lifestyle does not match yours is not love. If someone lashes out in any way because their partner is not what they want or expect them to be, that is not love. To ever try to stand in the way of the lifestyle choices of a partner is not love.
It is selfishness in as much as you are thinking of yourself, rather than the one you claim to love. Understandable to an extent, as it may be born out of fear but selfishness nonetheless. And ultimately it not only harms your partner, but you in the long run.
If one cannot accept that their partner identifies with another gender because they are afraid of losing them, well I’m sorry, but it is too late; they have lost them already. And if that other partner feels they cannot walk away from that, then both end up living a lie, and that is cowardly. Plus the longer they postpone it, the harder and deeper it is going to hurt when the break does inevitably come, as trust me, it must do.
When the break does come, it will be hard and it will hurt like hell. But if you at least have respect for each other, if not love, then you will let go sooner rather than later. If you have any modicum of love for the other, you will wish them well and to be happy in their new life. Then it is only once you have let go you can get on with your own life, and seek the happiness and love you also truly deserve.