What’s love got to do with it? Some after Midnight thoughts.


When I look at my life, my sexuality and my gender identity, then I look at others in the same boat as me, I frankly cannot believe how lucky I am.

I am a crossdresser, who has the luck to have a girlfriend who knows all about who I am.  More than that however, she understands me and she not only accepts me for who I am but openly encourages me to be so.

I know that a great many crossdressers and those in the trans community are not so lucky.

I have read of tales that would touch the stoniest heart.  I have seen stories from crossdressers and trans women with female partners who have become complete bitches to them. I have read women lashing out at them, the entire LGBT community and even all men.  I have seen people humiliated by having private photos plastered all over public forums on the internet.  I have even heard of women seeking, and receiving, exclusion orders to keep their partners away from their own children.

At the other end of the spectrum, I have also seen strained relationships, due to the wants and needs of not just the CD/Trans woman, but of both partners.  And I have also seen relationships which are over, but neither party is willing to let go.

Before I met S, I was never lucky in love, and once had my heart truly broken. For those who have been there, you will know that ‘heartbreak’ is more than just a phrase; it is unbearable, torturous, genuine physical pain, and deeply psychologically scarring to boot. Although a life experience, it is not something I could survive again, and neither is it anything I would honestly ever wish on even my worst enemy – and I can be pretty damned cruel if crossed.

It did teach me one important lesson though; that love, true love, is never selfish. 

If you love someone, you must take everything that goes with that, the good and the bad; the things you love about them, and those things which irritate the hell out of you.  I know I am not the easiest person in the world to get along with.  I’m fond of saying my girl has two arseholes – I’m one of them.  And there are things S does which drive me up the wall at times.  I forgive all.  Why?  Because I love her, and that love outweighs all.

When I first came out to S, she told me that even if I were to go over to “the other side” – i.e. suddenly announce that I were wholly gay, and wished to pursue that, she would accept that, and painful as it may be, she would let me go.  By equal measure, I have told her from the start that if she ever wanted to go, even though it may kill me, I would never stand in her way.

That is because we love each other.

When you love each other, you have to be prepared to let go if you must.  I would never attempt to stand in the way of S’s happiness, and I know that neither would she stand in the way of mine.  For the other to be happy is the goal of our love, just as it should be the goal of anyone who loves another.

To be spiteful and vindictive about a partner whose lifestyle does not match yours is not love. If someone lashes out in any way because their partner is not what they want or expect them to be, that is not love.  To ever try to stand in the way of the lifestyle choices of a partner is not love.

It is selfishness in as much as you are thinking of yourself, rather than the one you claim to love.  Understandable to an extent, as it may be born out of fear but selfishness nonetheless. And ultimately it not only harms your partner, but you in the long run.

If one cannot accept that their partner identifies with another gender because they are afraid of losing them, well I’m sorry, but it is too late; they have lost them already.  And if that other partner feels they cannot walk away from that, then both end up living a lie, and that is cowardly. Plus the longer they postpone it, the harder and deeper it is going to hurt when the break does inevitably come, as trust me, it must do.

When the break does come, it will be hard and it will hurt like hell.  But if you at least have respect for each other, if not love, then you will let go sooner rather than later. If you have any modicum of love for the other, you will wish them well and to be happy in their new life. Then it is only once you have let go you can get on with your own life, and seek the happiness and love you also truly deserve.





5 thoughts on “What’s love got to do with it? Some after Midnight thoughts.

  1. Xandra… I’m so sorry that it may come to an end, but for both of you, it will be a new beginning. I’m sorry about the inevitable pain it will surely cause you though. I have trouble I guess understanding why people split up over things like this, but I can only go on my own experience in that when I fell in love, I didn’t fall in love with a ‘gender’… I fell in love with the whole person and not what was between their legs. That’s just me and maybe I’m off the mark here in comparison to what most people think about things such as this. Anyway.. things always seem to work out for the best despite the pain one must often suffer through …. but you have you.. and being true to yourself and living your life the way you see fit is always the best way to go. I wish you well on your journey and welcome you back to my blog anytime 😉

    • Oops, Roxi dear, I think you misunderstand. There’s no problem with my relationship, I’m talking broadly about others. It’s just that I have seen relationships which are truly over but neither party is willing to admit that. That is painful to me, because I know that these people are going to hurt themselves and the longer they delay it, the deeper that hurt is going to be. As someone who once had their heart broken, I don’t like to think of anyone being hurt.

      And no dear, you are not off the mark at all. I am a pansexual myself; I love the person, not the gender or sexuality.

      And ohh, I am not going anywhere dear. I love your poetry and I shall be following you closely.

      Indeed, you inspire me Roxi and I am now thinking of trying my hand at poetry as Xandra, as my male alter ego was not too bad at it. 🙂


      • Ohh sorry I misunderstood! 😦 But real glad to hear things are going well for you. Ohhh I hope you try writing poetry as Xandra, I for one would love to read it 😉 Have a terrific rest of your weekend my friend 😉

  2. Lovely….of my husband and my friends who have the longest marriages, it is those that truly want their spouses to be happy and healthy above all else. With each keeping concerned with their spouses happiness, both are assured to be happy. The minute someone wants for their own desires to trump their partners at every turn, the relationship is doomed.

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