Letting Go

yanliz-huzunlu-islak-kiz-resmi-wet-lonely-sad-girl-pictureMy relationship with my female partner, S, has ended.

My heart is broken and I am still very sad about it, but in reality, we both knew it had to happen. We had been growing apart for a little while and as there was a physical distance between us, we came to the mutual realisation that a life together was simply never going to happen. Because of these circumstances we were both making each other miserable, and that was no good. It was better to end it when we did than end up hating each other, which I would never have wanted, nor I believe S ever would have wanted. We remain close friends.

I do not regret one moment of it, and if I had my time over, I would do it all again. Perhaps not exactly the same; perhaps ending it earlier before we got to the point of both being unhappy, but overall I would not, could not, have missed this opportunity for all the world.  I have so much to thank her for.

S taught me a lot of things. She not only knew of my crossdressing but actively encouraged me and gave me some truly beautiful garments, which I shall always cherish. She taught me to be true to myself, and that gave me the confidence to explore my gender and my sexuality. Had it not been for S, I would still be bottling up and becoming frustrated and angry with my desires, and Alexandra Durward would never have been created. S helped me very much to not only accept but to explore and enjoy my femininity, gender, and sexuality. I have her to thank for the creation of Xandra (as do you).

And all that she did through her love for me.

It’s actually quite amusing that we never originally meant to be a couple, and when I came out to S, I said I bet she never realised, only for her to reply “I thought I was going to gain a very cool gay friend.” In many ways S knows me better than I know myself.

Well, S doesn’t have a very cool gay friend; she has a very cool and absolutely and shockingly FABULOUS pansexual genderqueer friend ~ and I know she just adores that.

So, where does it leave me now? Well, I am going to need some time to lick my wounds and have my childish strops to myself over how unfair it all is, before I even think of putting myself back on the market again. I’m not looking at a short time either. My life is pretty much in a mess just now and I need to get myself back on my feet before I can even think of entering another relationship.

However, S did ask me when we agreed to split that she hoped that our break would not set back my progress as Xandra. I replied “No, it’s more likely to throw me further into it.” and I mean that. None of us knows what the future holds but I have absolutely no intentions of being unhappy nor denying myself what my heart desires any longer ~ something else I have S to thank for teaching me.

Another thing that S often jibed me about is my collection of movies with young, pretty boy actors, whom I always claimed I admired their “acting ability”. Plus there is my male persona on Facebook, who has a number of friends whom S refers to as my “harem”, most of whom are young, male, very pretty, and more than a few of whom are gay. I won’t deny for one moment that I do at times long for some male contact, and I just worked out recently that the last time I had any sexual contact with a guy was over 20 years ago. For a pansexual, just how fucking tragically sad is that?  But then, while I was with S I could no sooner have jumped into bed with a man than I could have with a woman. When I am an in a relationship I give, and expect, 100% loyalty.

As I said, I don’t know what the future holds, but once I am over S and kick my own ass hard enough to get my life sorted out, I can certainly see the distinct possibility of something long and stiff factoring into it ~ no dears, I don’t mean a drink either.

But there again, my future may lie with a woman. I won’t lie, it may be selfish of me but I like it ALL ways. That’s the beauty of being pansexual, dears; while everyone else is choosing strawberry or chocolate, I’ll be at the Pic ‘n’ Mix counter.

Either way, watch out world, I’m in for one helluva ride in future.

As to S, she did not have a lot of happiness in her life five years ago, nor had she had a great deal for quite a while. She has turned that around now, and I like to think I have been instrumental in at least part of that. Her happiness is and has always been my one overriding consideration. That is also why I agreed we needed to part, and whatever her future holds, wherever it takes her, and with whomsoever that may be with, so long as she is happy, then I am happy for her.

And I thank S for the sheer joy she has brought me in the past five years, the high times when we have laughed together, the low times when we have cried together, for all the support she has given me ~ just for the spectacular amount of love we have both enjoyed enormously, which we went into together, and which we have let go of, together.

I leave the last word to the wonderful Leonard Cohen, whom I often look to for wisdom;

I’m not looking for another as I wander in my time.
Walk me to the corner, our steps will always rhyme.
You know my love goes with, you as your love stays with me;
it’s just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea.

But let’s not talk of love or chains and things we can’t untie;
your eyes are soft with sorrow…
Hey ~ that’s no way to say goodbye.