Tag Archive | love

Letting Go

yanliz-huzunlu-islak-kiz-resmi-wet-lonely-sad-girl-pictureMy relationship with my female partner, S, has ended.

My heart is broken and I am still very sad about it, but in reality, we both knew it had to happen. We had been growing apart for a little while and as there was a physical distance between us, we came to the mutual realisation that a life together was simply never going to happen. Because of these circumstances we were both making each other miserable, and that was no good. It was better to end it when we did than end up hating each other, which I would never have wanted, nor I believe S ever would have wanted. We remain close friends.

I do not regret one moment of it, and if I had my time over, I would do it all again. Perhaps not exactly the same; perhaps ending it earlier before we got to the point of both being unhappy, but overall I would not, could not, have missed this opportunity for all the world.  I have so much to thank her for.

S taught me a lot of things. She not only knew of my crossdressing but actively encouraged me and gave me some truly beautiful garments, which I shall always cherish. She taught me to be true to myself, and that gave me the confidence to explore my gender and my sexuality. Had it not been for S, I would still be bottling up and becoming frustrated and angry with my desires, and Alexandra Durward would never have been created. S helped me very much to not only accept but to explore and enjoy my femininity, gender, and sexuality. I have her to thank for the creation of Xandra (as do you).

And all that she did through her love for me.

It’s actually quite amusing that we never originally meant to be a couple, and when I came out to S, I said I bet she never realised, only for her to reply “I thought I was going to gain a very cool gay friend.” In many ways S knows me better than I know myself.

Well, S doesn’t have a very cool gay friend; she has a very cool and absolutely and shockingly FABULOUS pansexual genderqueer friend ~ and I know she just adores that.

So, where does it leave me now? Well, I am going to need some time to lick my wounds and have my childish strops to myself over how unfair it all is, before I even think of putting myself back on the market again. I’m not looking at a short time either. My life is pretty much in a mess just now and I need to get myself back on my feet before I can even think of entering another relationship.

However, S did ask me when we agreed to split that she hoped that our break would not set back my progress as Xandra. I replied “No, it’s more likely to throw me further into it.” and I mean that. None of us knows what the future holds but I have absolutely no intentions of being unhappy nor denying myself what my heart desires any longer ~ something else I have S to thank for teaching me.

Another thing that S often jibed me about is my collection of movies with young, pretty boy actors, whom I always claimed I admired their “acting ability”. Plus there is my male persona on Facebook, who has a number of friends whom S refers to as my “harem”, most of whom are young, male, very pretty, and more than a few of whom are gay. I won’t deny for one moment that I do at times long for some male contact, and I just worked out recently that the last time I had any sexual contact with a guy was over 20 years ago. For a pansexual, just how fucking tragically sad is that?  But then, while I was with S I could no sooner have jumped into bed with a man than I could have with a woman. When I am an in a relationship I give, and expect, 100% loyalty.

As I said, I don’t know what the future holds, but once I am over S and kick my own ass hard enough to get my life sorted out, I can certainly see the distinct possibility of something long and stiff factoring into it ~ no dears, I don’t mean a drink either.

But there again, my future may lie with a woman. I won’t lie, it may be selfish of me but I like it ALL ways. That’s the beauty of being pansexual, dears; while everyone else is choosing strawberry or chocolate, I’ll be at the Pic ‘n’ Mix counter.

Either way, watch out world, I’m in for one helluva ride in future.

As to S, she did not have a lot of happiness in her life five years ago, nor had she had a great deal for quite a while. She has turned that around now, and I like to think I have been instrumental in at least part of that. Her happiness is and has always been my one overriding consideration. That is also why I agreed we needed to part, and whatever her future holds, wherever it takes her, and with whomsoever that may be with, so long as she is happy, then I am happy for her.

And I thank S for the sheer joy she has brought me in the past five years, the high times when we have laughed together, the low times when we have cried together, for all the support she has given me ~ just for the spectacular amount of love we have both enjoyed enormously, which we went into together, and which we have let go of, together.

I leave the last word to the wonderful Leonard Cohen, whom I often look to for wisdom;

I’m not looking for another as I wander in my time.
Walk me to the corner, our steps will always rhyme.
You know my love goes with, you as your love stays with me;
it’s just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea.

But let’s not talk of love or chains and things we can’t untie;
your eyes are soft with sorrow…
Hey ~ that’s no way to say goodbye.

What’s love got to do with it? Some after Midnight thoughts.


When I look at my life, my sexuality and my gender identity, then I look at others in the same boat as me, I frankly cannot believe how lucky I am.

I am a crossdresser, who has the luck to have a girlfriend who knows all about who I am.  More than that however, she understands me and she not only accepts me for who I am but openly encourages me to be so.

I know that a great many crossdressers and those in the trans community are not so lucky.

I have read of tales that would touch the stoniest heart.  I have seen stories from crossdressers and trans women with female partners who have become complete bitches to them. I have read women lashing out at them, the entire LGBT community and even all men.  I have seen people humiliated by having private photos plastered all over public forums on the internet.  I have even heard of women seeking, and receiving, exclusion orders to keep their partners away from their own children.

At the other end of the spectrum, I have also seen strained relationships, due to the wants and needs of not just the CD/Trans woman, but of both partners.  And I have also seen relationships which are over, but neither party is willing to let go.

Before I met S, I was never lucky in love, and once had my heart truly broken. For those who have been there, you will know that ‘heartbreak’ is more than just a phrase; it is unbearable, torturous, genuine physical pain, and deeply psychologically scarring to boot. Although a life experience, it is not something I could survive again, and neither is it anything I would honestly ever wish on even my worst enemy – and I can be pretty damned cruel if crossed.

It did teach me one important lesson though; that love, true love, is never selfish. 

If you love someone, you must take everything that goes with that, the good and the bad; the things you love about them, and those things which irritate the hell out of you.  I know I am not the easiest person in the world to get along with.  I’m fond of saying my girl has two arseholes – I’m one of them.  And there are things S does which drive me up the wall at times.  I forgive all.  Why?  Because I love her, and that love outweighs all.

When I first came out to S, she told me that even if I were to go over to “the other side” – i.e. suddenly announce that I were wholly gay, and wished to pursue that, she would accept that, and painful as it may be, she would let me go.  By equal measure, I have told her from the start that if she ever wanted to go, even though it may kill me, I would never stand in her way.

That is because we love each other.

When you love each other, you have to be prepared to let go if you must.  I would never attempt to stand in the way of S’s happiness, and I know that neither would she stand in the way of mine.  For the other to be happy is the goal of our love, just as it should be the goal of anyone who loves another.

To be spiteful and vindictive about a partner whose lifestyle does not match yours is not love. If someone lashes out in any way because their partner is not what they want or expect them to be, that is not love.  To ever try to stand in the way of the lifestyle choices of a partner is not love.

It is selfishness in as much as you are thinking of yourself, rather than the one you claim to love.  Understandable to an extent, as it may be born out of fear but selfishness nonetheless. And ultimately it not only harms your partner, but you in the long run.

If one cannot accept that their partner identifies with another gender because they are afraid of losing them, well I’m sorry, but it is too late; they have lost them already.  And if that other partner feels they cannot walk away from that, then both end up living a lie, and that is cowardly. Plus the longer they postpone it, the harder and deeper it is going to hurt when the break does inevitably come, as trust me, it must do.

When the break does come, it will be hard and it will hurt like hell.  But if you at least have respect for each other, if not love, then you will let go sooner rather than later. If you have any modicum of love for the other, you will wish them well and to be happy in their new life. Then it is only once you have let go you can get on with your own life, and seek the happiness and love you also truly deserve.